After being stuck in development hell for the better part of two decades, and then languishing in Disney’s vault since it was completed in 2018, Artemis Fowl was finally released yesterday on Disney+. The movie, based on the critically acclaimed literary franchise by Eoin Colfer, was originally meant to be a theatrical release, but studio cold feet resulted in multiple delays, before it was finally shunted onto the studio’s streamer as a consequence of the coronavirus outbreak. God knows, it’s never a good sign when a big studio downgrades one of their movies to direct-to-streaming. More so when it’s directed by Kenneth Branagh, features Colin Farrell, Josh Gad, and Judi Dench, and costs a whopping $150 million dollars.
Umapagan Ampikaipakan: There is a moment in the second act of this movie, when Judi Dench and her army of fairies are about to invade Fowl Manor, and they’re flying across the Atlantic in their fancy fairy flying machines, and the Dame stares directly into the camera with a look that screams: “What the fuck am I doing in this movie?”
Bahir Yeusuff: Hell, I was screaming what the hell is she doing in this movie? Is this the best her agent could do? And if that’s the case, she really needs to find a new agent. Especially if it was the same agent that got her the Cats gig.
UA: After that, she steps out of the craft, and says, in a terrible Irish accent: “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya.”
BY: And that wasn’t even her worst line. That unfortunate distinction goes to: “Get the f… f… f… four leaf clover out of here.” I died a little inside.
UA: But before we go on, you need to watch this teaser from November 2018. Because this was not the movie we got. And even though there’s very little in these 90 seconds, it promises an incredibly different take on Artemis Fowl, and one that looked like skewed far closer to the source material.
BY: Holy shit! That is a completely different movie! There looks to be entire sequences that are missing. THAT movie looks awesome. This was a turd.
UA: For starters, in that movie, it looks like Artemis and Dom (his butler bodyguard) actually leave home! 30 minutes into this YA caper, that’s supposed to be about a pre-teen criminal mastermind, and Artemis is still in his father’s study playing on his computer. Watching these sorts of genre flicks growing up – like The Goonies, and Monster Squad, and the like – it made me want to get on my bike and ride out on an adventure. Hell, reading the Artemis Fowl novels made me want to do that. And I was an adult by then. This movie features a protagonist that stays home and does nothing to save his kidnapped father (a mostly absent Colin Farrel). The one excursion he does go out on, to capture a fairy, is ill-conceived and over in no time at all.
BY: You’ve hit the nail right on the head there. That fairy capturing excursion is a perfect encapsulation of this movie being so dull and yet so rushed. There were moments in which I had no idea what was going on and where everything, or everyone, was in relation to each other. Dom is hiding out keeping an eye on this tree while Artemis is back at the house talking to him over a walkie-talkie. Suddenly the fairy shows up. Suddenly it’s a close up of Artemis’ eyes and he’s in camo gear right next to Dom. Did I miss something there Uma? Was there a buffering issue that made me lose track of Artemis?
UA: Yeah, you missed the part when the studio stepped in to re-edit this into a messy, torturous, uninspiring bore.
BY: Which is so weird given how much action they try to cram into this. Not to mention fairies! And trolls! And dwarves! And goblins! And yet, it was so boring.
UA: I think the only good thing I can say about this movie is that it looks great. I did like the way the world of the fairies was designed and imagined. It looked like it was from a movie that was far more fun. It looked like it was from a movie that could have spawned an interesting franchise.
BY: From that 2018 teaser, I think the film could have been caught between two masters – Kenneth Branagh, who may have wanted to make a slightly more dangerous kids movie based on Artemis Fowl, and the studio execs that just wanted to make a kids movie. This felt like watching one of the later Spy Kids movies; but with a better budget. Artemis is apparently a kid genius, and other than that one scene where he’s a total douchenozzle to his psychologist, there’s no action that really shows us how smart he is. Colin Farrell is really barely in this movie, and Artemis’ transition from student to master criminal was non-existent. Also, why is everyone calling him a criminal mastermind? He didn’t do anything! He goes to school and his dad, who is a suspected thief, is kidnapped, and then the fairies are suddenly referring to Artemis as a genius. Also Josh Gad is in this movie.
UA: Oh, you mean thrift store Hagrid? His voice over is one of the worst things in a movie full of worst things. He delivers every line in a way that’s trying to force a sense of mystery. Even when he’s going for “awe”, it comes off as cheesy and amateurish. As we hear in the opening few minutes when he tells us that the story takes place – and I quote – “in a place where magic and wonder still exist. The most magical place on earth… IRELAND!”
BY: I don’t know. That image of him loosening his jaw is pretty much nightmare fuel.
UA: There’s very little information out there about what went wrong with this movie. There were hardly reports about reshoots. But if I had to guess, I would say that a lot of it had to do with Artemis himself, played by Ferdia Shaw. I mean, I haven’t seen such a charmless lead since Jake Lloyd in The Phantom Menace.
BY: Harsh. But true. Not to pile on to a kid trying to make his break into the big time, but he is just not very good in this movie. As Artemis he needed to be charming, suave, and cool. Which he isn’t. His “slow motion hero walk” at the end of the movie was so awkward. It was like someone off camera was shouting: “walk like James Bond!” It wasn’t natural and it wasn’t cool. It was borderline painful. I’m surprised because Disney tends to have a very good track record with hiring kids, but someone really dropped the ball on this one.
UA: It’s interesting how you could see the seams of this movie. You could see all the places where plot points and story arcs were being set up for something larger but were then cut short in the editing room. The introduction of Juliet, Dom’s niece, as part of the squad felt absolutely wasted. She did nothing in this film. So much so that it felt like nothing more than a piece of diversity casting.
BY: Again, this could have been a very different film in Kenneth Branagh’s mind. Juliet could very well have played a much bigger role in this only to be edited out. I have not read the books but this certainly wasn’t what I had in mind when Artemis is described as a criminal mastermind.
UA: Okay. Let’s talk about the book. Because we’ve sort of buried the lead here. This movie is NOTHING like the book. In the novels, Artemis is the anti-Harry Potter. He begins his journey as a criminal mastermind intent on restoring his family’s fortune by stealing fairy gold. It isn’t about teaming up with a fairy to save the world. In fact, his relationship with Agent Short is antagonistic in the novels. They eventually grow to be allies, but it happens over the course of the franchise. Artemis himself grows from villain to anti-hero. But that too takes time. And multiple volumes.
BY: Well that’s different. Too naughty for Disney?
UA: Probably. Which is why I was wondering who this movie is for? Because it feels incredibly disingenuous when studios do this. When they buy an existing property, and then change everything about it that’s unique, sanitizing it for God knows whom, and then hoping to make money by capturing an existing fan base. It’s capitalism at its worst.
BY: And it’s also an incredibly stupid way of doing business. Buying something people already like then changing it to hopefully make more money just seems counterintuitive. When the people who love the books go to watch this, they will come out and not have very nice things to say about it. Which would then make people who weren’t familiar with the source material think even worse of it, and not go out to watch it at all. It’s such a dumbass way of looking at storytelling that it boggles the mind. The description of the book made me want to watch the movie, but having done so, I’m not sure anyone knows what they’re doing. The only reason parents would make their kids watch this is if they had already seen EVERYTHING ELSE, and needed something to keep them occupied for 90 minutes. This is bad form from Disney. For shame.
UA: We’ve said all of this and we still haven’t spoken about the plot. And with good reason. Because it didn’t matter. Artemis’ father’s kidnapping, the McGuffin that is the Aculos, some unexplained conflict between the human world and the magical realms, all of it is carelessly conceived and poorly executed. Any movie that involves a criminal element that you’re supposed to root for, or some kind of intricate scheme, needs to pay special attention to the mechanics of plot. The audience needs to feel like something clever just happened. And that they were along for the ride. We can’t just be told, by the protagonist, at the end of the movie that he is, in fact, a criminal mastermind.
BY: This movie was just badly devised. The storyline made no sense, the plot jumped around conveniently, characters and conflicts weren’t set up, let alone resolved properly. It was just bad storytelling from start to end.
UA: There’s no magic here. There’s no fun. Disney has given us their biggest dud since Ava DuVernay ruined A Wrinkle in Time. Heck, even the Disney+ algorithm knows. Once I was done with Artemis Fowl, a screen popped up asking if I wanted to watch. Because it thinks I enjoy garbage movies.
BY: I hate to say it but don’t bother with this one. It will be forgotten very soon. Or at least for five years, until Disney decide to reboot it as a TV series.
Artemis Fowl
Disney+
95 minutes
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Writers: Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl
Cast: Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad, Tamara Smart, Nonso Anozie, Colin Farrell, and Judi Dench
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