Before we get into this, I have one question for director Chris Columbus, or writers Matt Lieberman and Axel Gugenreedburg, or Netflix, or whosever decision it was to have Darlene Love (Darlene Love!) in a musical cameo, AT AN AIRPORT, IN A CHRISTMAS MOVIE, and NOT have her sing “Christmas, Baby Please Come Home.” What the hell were you thinking?
That’s some seriously low hanging fruit people. I mean, you’re already reaping the rewards of having Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn back on screen together after three decades, why not go full nostalgia? I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
There are just two things that I remember about The Christmas Chronicles. I remember Kurt Russell’s Santa being a lot sexier than usual (making me think and feel things I clearly shouldn’t). And I remember that brilliant piece of stunt casting at the end, when he returns to the North Pole after his 103 minute adventure, and settles in by the fireplace, when lo and behold, we finally meet Mrs. Claus, who turns out to be none other than Goldie Hawn.
Other than that, the only thing I can tell you about the first movie, an elaborate adventure in which a pair of spunky kids and some Gremlin-esque Elves help Santa save Christmas, is that it was singlehandedly carried by Kurt Russell’s exuberant and loveable performance as Saint Nick.
This movie is more of the same. Only it’s a little more convoluted and about 30 minutes too long. This thing should have been a step up. I mean, it’s directed by Chris Columbus, who is responsible for both Home Alone and Gremlins, arguably among the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Instead, it’s just more of the same derivative stuff that you’ve seen over and over again.
That said, I’m pretty sure your kids will love it.
So it’s been two years since our last adventure and we find the Pierce family holidaying in Cancun with mother Claire’s new boyfriend, Bob (Tyrese Gibson), and his son, Jack (Jahzir Bruno). (Yes, I am aware that both these Black people have the whitest names ever. I’m not saying they need to be called Denzel and Dequan, but “Bob” and “Jack?”)
The plot here is everything you expect it to be. Kate (Darby Camp) hates spending Christmas in the tropics and is afraid that her mother is going to marry “Bob” and forget all about her dad. Her solution? Run away.
Her soon-to-be stepbrother, “Jack,” is always anxious and allergic to everything. And her brother, Teddy (Judah Lewis), now a little too old for this kind of movie, is relegated to its opening and closing minutes.
Meanwhile, an exiled elf called Belsnickel (whose name no one seems to be able to agree on how to pronounce) is hatching an evil plot to weasel his way back into Santa’s village, steal the Christmas Star, and use its power to create his own toy-making kingdom in the South Pole. (Which is probably also why Belsnickel has a Kiwi accent.) Santa, you see, was so obsessed with making the rest of the world happy, that he neglected his most trusted apprentice. Feeling unloved, Belsnickel fell to the dark side, and ran away to the other snow covered region on the planet.
But getting back into Santa’s village requires a “True Believer” (see: last movie), so Belsnickel decides to kidnap Kate and use her to set his nefarious plan into action.
Only that’s not all. There’s a subplot in which the other elves in the village go full on Gremlins (Chris Columbus wrote that movie back in the 1980s). And even a short time travel excursion with a more family friendly Back to the Future like twist.
The Christmas Chronicles 2 is messy, and disjointed, and doesn’t really try very hard to be anything. This movie seems to completely ditch the rough and rowdy, quippy and cool, badass and sexy version of Santa Claus that we met two years ago. This movie decides instead to go for sweet, and cute, and completely strips away Kurt Russell’s swagger. The only moment that comes close is when Santa gets shot in the butt with an arrow and says: “Riding around in the sleigh is like a shot of Novocaine in the old butt cheeks.”
There also doesn’t seem to be any real stakes here. Belsnickel is more pesky and annoying than he is evil. His plan to usurp Santa’s influence and create his own Christmas village in the South Pole makes no sense given that it’s the very thing he’s supposedly railing against. And neither Kate nor Jack seem to be in any real danger whatsoever.
Once again, the only real joy in this movie comes from just how committed both Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn are to these parts. They are charming, and loveable, and completely engrossing as Santa and Mrs. Claus. God knows you can’t make up that kind of chemistry.
But hey, I’m pretty sure your kids will love it. It’s big and bright. There are minions CG elves. There’s a huge song and dance number in the middle. There’s an aerial sleigh-fight. And even a NERF gun war parody. There’s just about enough flash, whiz, and pop to keep them out of your hair for about two hours.
The Christmas Chronicles 2
Netflix
112 minutes
Director: Chris Columbus
Writer: Chris Columbus, Matt Lieberman, and Axel Gugenreedburg
Cast: Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn, Judah Lewis, Darby Camp, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Julian Dennison, and Tyrese Gibson
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